bad mommy

as a new mom, we all made and will make little mistakes. my personal favorite was the hiring of our first babysitter to take care of our then 6 month old baby (up until this point i was so paranoid of leaving her with anyone, i basically did nothing but sit and coo at her from the confines of my home)

so i walked into a new mother's resource service in noe valley.
they had a binder filled with pre-screened applicants. i began my search. i lined up the interviews, lots and lots of piercings, lots of tats, lots of names like, 'sage' and 'river'...hey it was sf. lots of free spirits. i had no problem with any of it. then one day, a girl named 'sophie' came to my home. she was really interesting. french. i liked that. i could hone my french skills and we could all speak french to my daughter. sophie, looked like a punk version of audrey tautou.
but not scary. she was sweet and had a nursing background. what could be better? sure she was a bit funky but i like that in a person.

so every other day, sophie would come to my house, in her vintage fur stole and torn fishnets and take my baby on walks or play with her on the floor all the while softly speaking en francais. but more often than not she seemed, not well. she was pale to begin with and the dyed black hair, didn't help. and one time, i swear she jumped up and ran to the bathroom, index finger to mouth paler than her normal palor.
and she was super skinny. SUPER skinny. i asked her about her 'home' life, she had a fiance or an ex-husband or something, who was in a band and she lived with someone who had bondage stuff in their room. but she didn't really know the person. she had to move there when her ex kicked her out. they were just roomates. weird. drama.
ok, around now, the red light started to flicker for me. i had a lot of talks with people the ones that end with 'is that weird? or am i just being paranoid?'. and then one day, sophie didn't show. just a no show. i called her. no answer. never saw her again. i changed my locks.
fast forward 8 years. i'm watching this incredible documentary, 'DIG!' (see the trailer stop it at 1:38 ) and there's a scene with the lead singer of the brian jonestown massacre (a great band btw) shooting heroin with his wife sophie. i sat up and hit stop on the dvd. there she was, all strung out. my babysitter. MY sophie. lying on a dirty mattress crying with a rubber band around her arm. and it was the same year she was working for me!!!
so in short, i the original 'smother' who was so freaked out about leaving my one and only, precious child with anyone, left her with a freaking HEROIN ADDICT!!!!! i hear sophie got married to someone else and is living happily ever after in tahiti (which is where her parents live)
and that's the story of my first of many mistakes made parenting.


diana murphy said…
Stories like this (where some past mysterious experience becomes illuminated in an unexpected way) freak me out and pull me in. Did you find another sitter for your sweet little one, or has she been permattached to you since the no-show?

(1:38 - she is adorable, after all.)
Don't you love how you think you shake these haunting memories of mistakes, goofs and errors and they come running back into your mind or smack you in the face!?

and BTW, when watching DIG did you happen to catch the Dandy Warhols....funny, I listen to them a lot (Bohemian Like You)- and Igby Goes Down (the movie) A Catcher in the Rye rip-off but one of my faves.

Great, brave post, Megan.
beachbungalow8 said…
yes, i did find the best and never to be replaced sitter after that. her name was 'karen' and she was from brazil. loved that girl.

and i LOVE the dandy warhols.i love both of these bands. which is why i rented the documentary. the soundtrack is amazing.

i just didn't like the fact that anton's junk shooting wife was taking care of my baby while probably coming off of a high at 9:00 a.m.!
Liz Harrell said…
Oh my gosh. This story curls my toes, but at the same time, is it bad that I laughed? I'm not a parent, but that just sounds like something bizarre that inevitably happens to me. I'm glad that she stopped showing up and you were able to find another sitter for your precious baby, that was probably a blessing.
Anonymous said…
The thing that gets me about this sort of thing is I end up being astonished that things somehow didn't turn out bad and very possibly could have. Like dodging a bullet and never having known I was being shot at.
beachbungalow8 said…
i know liz,INSANE right?

total forehead slap moment.

she wasn't a bit scary. a very, quiet demeanor. i thought maybe she was bullimic to tell you the truth. she always looked on the verge of puking. which maybe should have been my first warning.

can you imagine if her pyscho ex, showed up at our house or something?
Anonymous said…
Um, oops. As in oops, I let my daughter use my bottle of Celexa as a rattle while I straightened my hair with a flat iron. When I looked down at her on the bath mat she had opened the bottle and had one pink pill stuck to her lip. And I take the Celexa because I constantly worry about such things.
Like I said, oops.
beachbungalow8 said…
i think all mother's need a little ssri helper now and again!
Anonymous said…
One of the great sentences in blog history:

"I let my daughter use my bottle of Celexa as a rattle."
From Martha Stewart to Anton Newcombe. This is why I love your blog. Glad it all turned out okay with your sweet daughter. If anything she has a fun (?) tale to tell her friends about her days as a bohemian baby in the shadow of mad mess of a musical genius.
beachbungalow8 said…
thanks your brizilliance. i'm glad you can appreciate the span of pop culture i can bring.

actually, i'm just so happy that you know who the insane genius, anton newcombe is. (i do so love his album/cd, 'tepid peppermint wonderland')

and i secretly, or maybe not so secretly love this story. because it all came out fine and a great story to tuck in the ole' yarn box.
Anonymous said…
I love this blog too.

-The Less Bitter Anon.
Anonymous said…
haha I was just complaining to my mother on why my aunt is sooo overprotective with my little cousins before i read this. i guess i can see your view. lol
mamacita said…
My daughter was a crawler when she found a Wellbutrin tab on the floor and put it in her mouth. Even though I caught her before she swallowed it, my husband still freaked out and called Poison Control, who advised him to take her to the ER ... where he was met by Child Protective Services. Oh yes. They did multiple home visits and everything. They have a file on us now. Like I'm Sadie Frost with the ecstasy tabs!
Anonymous said…
i love how all of these mom's totally own up to taking seratonin uptake inhibitors. 'mommy's little helpers'

and did sadie frost and jude law ever have child protective agency all over them? what about courtney love owning up to shooting heroin while pregnant with 'frances bean'?
DonnaC said…
My babysitter was a heroin addict too! We would have to shake her pretty hard (my job, dh didn't want to get in trouble by touching the babysitter!) when we got home to wake her and decided that she wasn't really watching too well if she was comatose. We later caught on about the heroin when the police called and said they had a bunch of our stuff, would we come down to the precinct and identify it. Seems that she was stealing for her heroin pushing junkie boyfriend and cracked under interrogation, giving up our name as the owner of the stuff. It was heirloom jewelry that was tucked away, not being missed on a daily basis. But we never did get back the Jimi Hendrix CDs... :)

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